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Developing Marriage Intimacy
You ever feel criticized for how you feel or your perspective on life? Unfortunately, most individuals struggle with personal differences and commonly discount the feelings, beliefs and perspective of others. For example, couples unconsciously believe that their love for each other should always remain full and unchanged. However, any married couple knows that love and affection waxes and wanes. Moreover, parents frequently tell their children to stop feeling a certain way and often ignore their thoughts and viewpoints. As this repeatedly occurs our relationships become emotionally disconnected and intimacy is lost. Spouses, children and friends become more irritable, share less, and may turn to alternative behaviors or people to find the intimacy they crave. My job as a therapist exists because people feel discounted by those most important to them.
In marriages we also put labels and judgments on certain feelings and on the feelings of others. Because we have labeled them as wrong or unacceptable, we become uncomfortable with them and have developed life-time habits of avoiding them and attempting to minimize them. This might include feeling anger, resentment or disinterest towards your partner. In most marriages, individuals deny their conflicting thoughts and feelings because they unconsciously believe their partner will not accept them.
However, differences in perspective, beliefs, and emotions can also be used to facilitate intimacy and foster relationship growth. Through counseling individuals can develop the capacity for uncomfortable beliefs and emotions to be used for growth rather than critique.
First, individuals must accept that conflicting beliefs, ideals, and emotions are acceptable and unavoidable. True intimacy is found when partners are able to share their inner emotions and beliefs while feeling truly heard and respected. This only occurs when each partner is able to fully accept and validate their partner’s perspective.
Second, individuals should never demean, ignore, or disparage a belief, feeling, or thought that is personal or sacred to another. If this occurs, individuals will begin to hide their conflicting emotions due to fear of rejection and criticism. As a result, a significant part of what makes us vibrant beings is left unshared.
Third, we are naturally sensitive to the moods and emotions of others. Rather than ignore a part of your partner’s life, truly understanding them leads to increased affection, validation, intimacy, and patience.
Tips When Sharing
1. Talk about yourself; your goal is to help your partner know your reality
2. Focus on one issue and be specific
3. Structure your sharing around “I feel” or “I need”
4. Don’t blame or attack your partner; remember, this is about you
5. The most intimate and important information to share with your partner are the emotions you feel
Listen Tips
1. Right now, your view, your opinion and your feelings about the topic your partner is talking about is irrelevant
2. Fight getting defensive; keep reminding yourself that what your partner shares is about him/her; the mantra of the listener is, “It’s not about me, it’s
not about me, it’s not about me, etc”
3. Recap what you heard your partner say, show empathy
4. Be curious; your task is to step into their shoes
5. Ask questions to help you understand your partner, not questions designed to defend yourself or your agenda
6. Don’t problem solve
You ever feel criticized for how you feel or your perspective on life? Unfortunately, most individuals struggle with personal differences and commonly discount the feelings, beliefs and perspective of others. For example, couples unconsciously believe that their love for each other should always remain full and unchanged. However, any married couple knows that love and affection waxes and wanes. Moreover, parents frequently tell their children to stop feeling a certain way and often ignore their thoughts and viewpoints. As this repeatedly occurs our relationships become emotionally disconnected and intimacy is lost. Spouses, children and friends become more irritable, share less, and may turn to alternative behaviors or people to find the intimacy they crave. My job as a therapist exists because people feel discounted by those most important to them.
In marriages we also put labels and judgments on certain feelings and on the feelings of others. Because we have labeled them as wrong or unacceptable, we become uncomfortable with them and have developed life-time habits of avoiding them and attempting to minimize them. This might include feeling anger, resentment or disinterest towards your partner. In most marriages, individuals deny their conflicting thoughts and feelings because they unconsciously believe their partner will not accept them.
However, differences in perspective, beliefs, and emotions can also be used to facilitate intimacy and foster relationship growth. Through counseling individuals can develop the capacity for uncomfortable beliefs and emotions to be used for growth rather than critique.
First, individuals must accept that conflicting beliefs, ideals, and emotions are acceptable and unavoidable. True intimacy is found when partners are able to share their inner emotions and beliefs while feeling truly heard and respected. This only occurs when each partner is able to fully accept and validate their partner’s perspective.
Second, individuals should never demean, ignore, or disparage a belief, feeling, or thought that is personal or sacred to another. If this occurs, individuals will begin to hide their conflicting emotions due to fear of rejection and criticism. As a result, a significant part of what makes us vibrant beings is left unshared.
Third, we are naturally sensitive to the moods and emotions of others. Rather than ignore a part of your partner’s life, truly understanding them leads to increased affection, validation, intimacy, and patience.
Tips When Sharing
1. Talk about yourself; your goal is to help your partner know your reality
2. Focus on one issue and be specific
3. Structure your sharing around “I feel” or “I need”
4. Don’t blame or attack your partner; remember, this is about you
5. The most intimate and important information to share with your partner are the emotions you feel
Listen Tips
1. Right now, your view, your opinion and your feelings about the topic your partner is talking about is irrelevant
2. Fight getting defensive; keep reminding yourself that what your partner shares is about him/her; the mantra of the listener is, “It’s not about me, it’s
not about me, it’s not about me, etc”
3. Recap what you heard your partner say, show empathy
4. Be curious; your task is to step into their shoes
5. Ask questions to help you understand your partner, not questions designed to defend yourself or your agenda
6. Don’t problem solve